I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
