Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
