hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
