I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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