Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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