He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
