I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
