I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
