I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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