i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Couch. On fire.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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