I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize