found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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