you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
