I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She's the barista slut.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
