The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
