So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So squirting runs in the family.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
