Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize