I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
