so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
