I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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