My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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