After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
