Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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