My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
