Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
