You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
