you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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