There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
