fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
