it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
