My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
