Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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