your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
