chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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