I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
This is my gift to your gina
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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