i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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