Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
