The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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