So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
