I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
