im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
