Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
