Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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