After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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