She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
