I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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