Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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