I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
