My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
