so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i came on her dog
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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