I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
