my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize