I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
