you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize