That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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