puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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