Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
