Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
