I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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