i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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