"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
