At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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