i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
