Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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