my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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