it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize