I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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