I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize